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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.